Part of yesterday's conversation with the physio was her questioning why I'm doing the (upper-body) exercises that I'm doing. Why am I lifting weights, doing press-ups, etc.?
In particular, she was concerned that these exercises were a bit, well, male. She covered, elucidating, saying there was nothing wrong with that per se, but that she was wondering: was I wanting to be a body-builder [cue hunched shoulders and loosely-raised fists]?
Well, there it is. Why am I doing this? Why am I pushing muscles in my upper body that were not designed by nature to be massive (due to HMS and, well, a lower testosterone level than the average bloke) to build?
Several answers, not all of which may be either wise, feasible, or even the whole story:
1. In October 2005 I had a six-pack and could lift sofas without much effort. I also had the kind of lightly but defined muscular physique that made both women and men go "hmmm..." and "ooooh...!" with a little reaching-out gesture. (Yeah, baby...)
a) Being strong felt good physically - my wobbly joints were much more secure.
b) Being strong felt good mentally - being able to rely on myself and feel comfortable (even superior) in my body was rather nice.
c) My personal vanity is, perhaps, a little odd. The resources needed to conform to many elements of acceptable Western femininity feel like way more trouble than they're worth, to me. However, I revel in decking myself in a certain way as I move through the world. I want people to see me, at a glance, as very much my own person, as attractive in an unconventional sense, and blending elements across genders. I also like to look healthy. So a little ripped (again)? Yes please! :)
(I felt right at home in Cambridge really quickly. Wonder why...)
2. I gave up on that level and type of healthy after several things happened:
- motorbike (okay, fine: scooter) accident that made Borked Shoulder the way it is today (February 2006).
- massive (they took photos for a medical journal!) benign tumour;
- recovering from the surgery that removed it (vertical 5" abdominal incision - wasn't allowed to pick up anything heavier than 5kg for, well, a while - September 2007);
- the knee-based accident (and all the other, less easily pointed-at elements) that propelled me into the Year of The Stick (September 2011); and
- subsequent slow recovery from that.
I started feeling old. I let myself become dispirited by the constant setbacks (I tried building in strength in 2006; scuppered myself lifting furniture; tried getting fit again 2010-11, not as hard as now, but cycling everywhere... then Stick Year... and then again in the summer of 2013...); I rationalised it as "I'm not meant to be fit", I think. And yet clearly this other model of me persisted underneath the whole time, because now I'm thinking: screw old, there are people who take up marathon running in their 70s. I want to take this body as far as it can in terms of healthy, fit, and strong.
3. I don't want a male physique, I want a strong female physique, and I don't think I'll get that purely from physio exercises - I'll need to challenge myself, not just maintain myself. I'm also pretty sure it would take more effort, time, and calories than I would consider worth spending getting perturbingly "bulky".
4. Up until now, not one single person (male or female) has told me that I shouldn't do press-ups, etc.
My dad (the very one who's struggled with my gender queerity in recent years) showed me how to do them; and a recent boyfriend showed me the variations on the theme. We did them in school, and we were expected to do them in the few martial arts lessons I attended. They're part of my model for "becoming fit and strong".
5. I enjoy doing weights, press-ups, planks, etc. Not only do I think they're fun (look, I'm a bit weird, just give up and go with this), but I enjoy being able to do them well (possibly in a tomboyish, showing-off-physically kind of way).
So here's the thing I'm going to try to find a way to say succinctly to the physio: this is the kind of body I want to aim for. It's not unfeasible, and it's not toxic, so please help me get to a point where I can make that happen. Ta!
So, unless anyone's got any better perspectives, that's The Plan.
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